O.K......the Campbell ramble............suck it up...........................some of these ramblings are a little dated..........waaaaay more mature now........I beseech you not to read on if you are easily offended by reality.........
I've got a friend who says "I'm
not sayin' I've got it all figured out..... but to me its pretty simple....the
boys do the blue jobs....and the girls do the pink jobs....that's all I'm lookin
for...someone who doesn't mind doin' the pink jobs".....
He got a buy out from the factory and showed up the next day with a new black leather jacket, some snazzy shades,and was buyin' rounds for all of his friends at the girly bar.......whoopin' er up.......yeeha!.......He thought he was bullet proof ...........until later that night....... when he got speed bagged at closing time.
In this part of the country you measure the distance in six packs.....We were
a couple of shots over the bow one night when my buddy,who we call "Shithouse
Harry",("Shithouse" for short) was telling me about this girl
he went out with who had this big godawful bufont hair-do.....and braces..."the
black and decker pecker wrecker " he called her....to her face even!.....She
didn't seem to mind....she'd just giggle and smile.....She could have said some
things but she didn't..............so
he and I were driving along and he tells me "Now I'm no whirlybird in bed.......but
I don't give 'er the Yamaha two stroke either!.........................but lately
I've been popping the clutch on ' er.....20 -30 seconds and kablooey!"......
I told him that that probably wasn't very good.......and he said that he knew
that.....so I told him that he'd better ease up on the "pecker wrecker"
thing before she went and told all her friends that he was a "clutch popper".....that's
not something that you want to get around....He was nodding his head in contemplation
when all of a sudden he wacks me in the arm and yells...."Punchbuggy no
return!"....as a red VW came screaming out of a side lane...and then again.....but
this time harder....."Punchbuggy no return!!!! yeeehaa.....a double dab'll
do ya!!!.....ha ha ha!"....What a bastard...I don't think you should be
able to count parked VW's........anyways he does seems a little nicer to her
lately. We drove on and I explained to him that we should just ride the waves
of life like a porpoise without a purpose....he gave me that look he always
gives me and tells me to shut the fuck up....I tell him he's got no sense of
humour...he tells me if it was remotely funny or intelligent he would've laughed..........I
told him he was still stuck on the sports page so what did he know ......
Lifes Mystery's Explained ...(partly)
PRE WARNING WARNING:If you are easily offended please do not
read any further.....than.....HERE!...........STOP!...GO BACK!!!!....DELETE!!!
I'M NOT KIDDING THIS TIME!!!! retreat while its still safe!............................
if you've come this far....you asked for it...................now proceed very gingerly.....to
LIFES'S MYSTERYS EXPLAINED! PART-1
WHY DON'T WE ALL LOOK THE SAME?
I'm sure you've asked yourself many times....why am I ugly.......or why am I stupid.....Or why am I black...or yellow....or white...or brown......I know I have....except for the black,yellow and brown part. Well lets look at this shall we....I mean in a fair world we would all look the same and have the same dollup of brains....be dealt the same set of cards......Let me ask you a question...Who would you hire to head your company.....the ugly,stupid,dwarf with the buck teeth and really bad b.o. .....or the tall beautiful,intelligent,babe with the million dollar smile..........Me..I'd go for the dwarf without hesitation....but thats just me...I mean who needs a big set of tommyknockers draining every last ounce of blood and sensibility from your brain.....but thats just me...I know a lot of people....and perhaps most........... that would go for the girl......... Let's face it.....the good lookin' human has a whole nuther world coming at him/her than the ungoodlooking one....
example two
:The beautiful woman approaches you for directions. You smile politely...point and ask her if there's anything else you can do for her...if you know what I mean....whereas the midget approaches.....you slap him on the head twist his ear and tell him to go get you a fuckin' sandwich....you see?...a whole different world. Imagine the motivation to be NICE...KIND...COMPASSIONATE...LOVING and downright...CONSIDERATE......IF... it would make you................ BETTER LOOKING!....................................We would all be trundeling off to third world countries with our medical kits,boxes of chocolates,power bars,used clothing and a whole shitload of those little silver friendship teaspoons.... that I'm sure they'd love to hang on the walls of their cozy little thatched huts...or corregated condos. ..As we became nicer and nicer and eventually achieved the maximum amount of goodlookability..your body would then begin to transform.....enlargements and extentions...if you know what I'm saying.....and I think you do....sure it would put a few surgeons out of work....but they would all be busy over in Africa reattaching severed limbs and the like..all the while getting...handsomer! The drift net dudes...would reel in a few miles of their nets AND allow the poorer fisherdude to catch one or two for dinner....The big logging companys would revert to horse logging....so that everyone could have a job again...and they would still get the same amount of timber...which they would now be shipping off to the third world countries for housing ...that would make them even more beautiful.
Example three
A homely chap approaches the beautiful girl at a nightclub..."Hi...can I buy you a beer?"....."No .....fuck off!"...is the usual reply....at least it is for me.....The suave debonair pro athlete using the same opening line is met with..."No thank you....lets go to my place and I'll give you a honey massage...have my pet squirrel scamper up and down your huge member....and THEN I'll tickle your balls with a garden rake and make love to you like a crazed weazel on speed...cheque please" ....You see....a whole different world. It seems our creator(s) are made of equal parts Mother Theresa,Jeffery Dallmer and Red Skeleton.....I mean the obvious solution to this unfairness would have been to have us all look the same! Identification problems would easily be overcome with a simple baby-branding procedure....the name smack dab in the middle of the forehead....although it would eliminate one of my personal favourite opening lines,"Hi whats your name?"....it would certainly foster better communication. Hi John..Hi Bob...Hi Cathy...Hi Barb Hi Buella...Hi Gertrude...Hi Helmut(which is a whole OTHER form of unfairness and unneccesary torture that we won't tackle till Part 2)but I digress.... and now for the LIFE'S MYSTERY'S REVEALED part..... Have you ever had a good hard look at a new born baby? Not such a pretty sight is it...I mean it doesn't seem so ugly if its yours....sort of like poo..... BUT THEY ARE ALL DAMN UGLY!!! and EQUALLY UGLY!!....i mean later.... ya they get cute...or stay ugly....but not when they are fresh out of the Kraft Candy Kitchen....ugly ugly ugly...waaaaaaaaa! So it appears the gods have in part been fair...though I hardly think a baby's early choices should affect their looks ...and hence their huggability. K I gotta go do something nice for someone cause I've got a date tonight....but if anyone has any further thoughts on this still partly unexplained mystery.....please let me know...Toad
The Secrets of Semi-exing
So I've got this friend, lets just call him Gus.....I just got
off the phone with him....as I write this he has two of his ex-girlfriends cheerfully
dressing each other up....he actually had one of them photograph the other.....nude!!!
in his presence!!! And there are at least 4 others (semi ex's) that I know of
that still would take him back in two shakes of a monkeys tale. I mean....what
the fucks with that...All my ex's HATE ME!!!! I've tried everything but they
still want to string me up and cut off my balls with a dull knife...ouch!. I'll
admit I've lied and cheated profusely and extensively on all of them but....my
friend Gus has also been a LOW DOWN,CONIVING,EVIL,SICK PHILANDERING EXCUSE FOR
A BOYFRIEND. What makes him far worse and perverse than I is that he somehow
has managed to convince his ill-informed concubines that he really is a nice
guy.......and what especially burns my ass is.....HE WON'T TELL ME HOW!!!!!
Admittedly he is far hansomer than I....and yes it is true that I am hung like
a hamster... but still I believe that there is something far more sinister and
complex behind this amazing phenomenon. Why don't I have a super-ex? I deserve
it.....sort of....I'm nice.....sort of.....I didn't kiss and tell to ALL of
my friends. Why am I a living breathing George Costanza while my pal Gus spends
his afternoons doing who knows what to and with his exes! I intend to demand
he tells me..... the secrets of semi-exing. -
The Points System
Heh! Do you want to learn how to play a really fun game that will totally make your friends hate you....temporarily....sure you do! We could all use some extra points.........so listen up carefully.........
Points.....and how to get 'em
Its very easy to play....at first at least....but can get as complex as you want it to be....The object is to get the person that you are talking with.....to repeat themselves. Each time they do you get 10 points! I mean how simple is that?.....and in life its always nice to have an extra 10 points kicking around:) You can't really spend them on anything.......(unless you make some kind of deal with another person on the points system)...its just knowing that you've got them that is ever so satisfying.
O.K......here goes.......in its simplest form..........A friend walk up and says "Heh are you going to the barndance tonight".....you say.."What?".....He repeats "Are you going to the barndance tonight? "Bang!! 10 points!.....Now that may not sound too exciting to you.....or challenging .....and really it isn't.....as my friend Ryp put it...."That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of"....But wait!!! There's more!......Let me take you to the other end of the scale....
Advanced points - Let me tell you about the most points I've ever gotten off of one story....I can't mention the name of the person because he'll kill me if he finds out I was nailing him for points....plus I still think I can get him for more....thus breaking my own personal record..which stands at 300! Yes you heard me correctly! With a simple mathematical calculation (30 times 10 = 300!) you should have no trouble figureing out that I got him to repeat himself 30 times.....Thats right 30 repetitions out of one story!! Truthfully I had my old buddy Arnie tag teaming him with me.... ...but this is how it went.....
the world record....(as far as I know..although I'm sure there is some very bored juvenile imbecile that has gotten more somewhere)Feb.'97/Trail B.C. Canada/approximately 7pm. -"A friend of ours walks into a pub where we were seated .....he is out of breath...... and very very excited about something......the perfect time to get points!
We-"Heh George!(not that that is his real name) whats happening?"
George-"You won't believe what just happened!!!.....I was in my van cruising
by Gyro Park and all of a sudden this snow plow came flying around the corner....on
the wrong side of the road!!! So I hit the brakes and do a complete 360 .....missed
the snowplow by about 2 inches and ended up sideways on Macdonald's lawn!! I
had to get a couple of kids from the park to help me get back on the road!"
I looked over at my friend Arnie who was salivating at the mouth. We have a
bingo! We knew that this one was going to be something special! The first 30
or 40 points I almost didn't want to count....It was just too easy. A simple
"What?" got the ball rolling and George was away.....the points were
coming fast and furious.
"Were you in your car?"
George-"No no...I was in my van!"
"So it was a bus that drove you off the road?"
George-"No!....a snowplow!.....I was coming around the corner by Gyro Park and a snowplow was coming right at me!"
"Well what did you do?"
George-" I hit the brakes....did a complete 360!!"
"So did you start sliding?"
George...."I did a complete 360!!"
"Your kidding?! So then what happened?"
George-"I skidded right up onto Macdonald's yard!"
"What?.....you ended up on on O'Reilly's yard?"
"Noooo! Macdonald's!! I had to get these kids from the park to come and help push me out"
"So this all happened down by the 7-11?"
George-"Nooooo!!! are you guys listening???! It happened over by Gyro........Gyro Park!!!"
I knew it was time to back off the gas a little and said "Holyshit!.....well
sit down George and grab a beer" We waited a few seconds and then Arnie
got the ball rolling again..."Heh George....tell Jim (thebartender) what
just happened..." .....more points..........Got another 50 points off of
him before the night was out and hit him up for an additional 100 points on
the same story the following week for a grand total of 300 pts!!!! When I go
home this spring I'm going to try for a few more....but anyways there you have
it.
When we used to drive around the country playing music we were all on the points
system. We'd play Rummy 500(cards) and incorporate the points system right into
the game. There were always four guys playing in the back of the van and two
guys (the driver and the co-pilot) takeing a break. We were doing one nighters
and driving anywhere from 200 to 600 miles a day.....As soon as we finished
our gig we'd pack up,hop in the van and get ready to play "Grinder"....which
we nicknamed it because it was so irritating to play. Everyone had a handle
once we were inside the van.
There was Randy-"the mole" Bruce-"Solid red scarf" the other Randy-'Brown helmet" and me-"Dark Helmet". We had points for everything.....except in Grinder you would lose points that would be taken off of your card game total.....and there were a few twists.....apart from the usual getting a guy to repeat himself. If you didn't call a guy by his handle.....10 point deduction.....You'd lose 10 points if it was your deal and you forgot to touch the little brass bell that we'd bought especially for Grinder......
but the best rule came about when we did an all night drive from Quebec City to Halifax(14 hours)....30 degrees below 0 in a solid metal van with no insulation and no heater....and a marathon game of Grinder going on. It was so cold that were keeping our scores in the frost that had formed on the roof of the van...Finally we couldn't take it any longer and stopped at an "Irvine" gas station and bought touques with these huge pom poms and Irvine emplazoned across the top. The new rule was that everytime we saw an Irvine gas station we all had to bob our heads up and down and the last guy to do so lost 10 points.....
So there we were skating over the icy Maritime roads at about 4 a.m......everyone argueing about how many points they had......trying to get each other to repeat themselves....the bell ringing....nicknames flying............and .......I fell asleep! I awoke to three Irvine touqued heads bobbing furiously and Brown Helmet,the Mole, and Solid Red Scarf screaming a chorus of......"hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh 10 pooooints!!!!"
It was the pinnacle of points.
So you see there are many variations of Points....Although it is muchmore challenging
getting points off of friends that are on the points system it can be just as
rewarding culling points from a complete stranger....although you must be careful
that they don't just haul off and wack you one!
Try this sometime..... your friend makes an introduction
"This is Bill from Edmonton....he's involved with computer software"
you-"Hi....so where are you from?"....
he--"uhhhh Edmonton" ......
you--"So what kind of work do you do up there?"
He-(now ever so irritated)"I do computer software"
you "Cool...my name is (whatever your name is)whats yours?
he-"Bill"...
and he walks away shaking his head.... You meet up with him a little bit later and said..."Heh there...where are you from again?"...start laughing and tell him about the points system...... which he will think is really stupid....until he gets someone else......and you spent the rest of the night being dumb.....and I think that is what makes it so much fun.
People are always chargeing around,self absorbed, self important, pretentious and I do this and I do that and bla bla bla...... but when we're on the points system we can commune at the lowest levels of our brains. Which can only be relaxing and thus healthy. There have been no studys thus far but I'm sure in years to come we will discover that those on the points system....(the ones that haven't been killed for excessive agro).....will live longer(albeit more irritating) lives.
When not to go for points!
highly tacky to going for points with the mentally disabled---'nuff said..in
fact double points will be deducted
at the hospital---as well as being potentially lethal....it is just not on.
Let me explain. You have a serious loss of blood and the paramedics ask "Do
you have type o blood" and you say"Come again?" "Type what"
"huh?" Bad idea....You either die for a loss of blood(albeitwith a
few extra points under your belt)or the paramedic kills you if he finds out
your working him for points
In fact make it a rule not to mess with Doctors,Paramedics,Dentists...and I should probably add Policeman....although I personally have scored double points off of a few unsuspecting officers..
with Foreigners.....just plain unfair and ultimately juvenile....also you run
the risk of losing triple points...repeating yourself as they will often, not
having understood your question, answer back with a question.....let me explain...
Pedro walks in and says in very bad English "Pardone mi....where is the Starbuck?"
you-(pathetically going for points)say "Pardone who?"
Pedro says"What?"...
and again you say "Pardone who?"
Pedro has maybe not so innocently pulled off what we in the business call a "Double Reverse" and whether he knows it or not.....or even cares.....he has banked triple points!!! Well done Pedro!!!
Well there you have it.....so get out there and get yourself some points and
make your day just a little bit sunnier....and someone elses a whole lot cloudier:)
Some new shit
To my future ex's and former was'es ...I was having a shower
about 5 minutes ago when I remembered something..... well...different....We
all have a few dozen skeletons in the closet.....and I want to free this one....I
mean its not really that bad..."shit" is such a nasty word...Why do
they(those guys again!)make all the bad words sound so....bad? O.K. lets substitute
poo for shit.....not so bad now is it?...cute little baby poo right?....but
try FECES! It immediately conjures up images of aliens sticking big needle sucking
things into your brain and stomach and butt right? In order to free yourself
you must tell all of your secrets to someone....so today I'm going to tell y'all
my poo secrets...and I know secretly that a lot of you have some excellent poo
storys that if you could you would tell me. If you want you can tell me and
then use a different name.....and I promise not to look at the "who sent
it"part of the e-mail thing a ma bob. and now back to the opera....
POO CHATTER
This friend of mine was living with one of his future ex's and was having a bath when he felt this very real urge to have a shit....so he did!.....thats right ...right in the goddamned tub......I'm not kidding....says it was the most relaxing goddamned thing he'd ever done.
He said to me, "Toad my friend.....you've really got to try it....Don't tell anyone though cause they'll think your fucking nuts! I don't want to spoil it for you so I won't tell you exactly what its like.......and there's always someone who is going to start running around town telling everyone how they shat in the tub...and it was this and and it was that and bla bla bla.......when they never really did.....So mainly for security reasons I'm not going to tell you specifically what it was like.....although it was amazing. One day I'm going to try shitting in bed....I mean thats probably the only thing that can top shitting in the tub...The problem with shitting in the tub is that its so goddamned relaxing that you might fall asleep and have a big turd float in to your mouth and choke on it....and die...which would totally suck...not that I have great big turds or anything...cause that would imply that I have a great big hoop....which would imply that I take it up the butt....which I totally don't....although occassionally I do stick my finger up my butt....butt anyways I really plan to shit in bed one of these days.... The big plus to shitting in bed would be that you could fall asleep without worrying about choking on a log......but wait a minute!....The big draw back to shitting in bed of course is that the shit would stay there!......the smell-o-rama factor would completely suck....plus shit removal would be a complete and utter drag. Actually the more I think about it....the more I totally am not going to do it.. YEEEEECCCH!!! Am I nuts Toad??? O.K. that would be the grossest thing ever. Not ever but you know what I mean...I must have been crazy to even think about it!...Somebody slap me up side the head! Call the looney wagon!!!! Driver...to the booby hatch!!!...No I must have been out of my mind to even entertain that completely outrageous thought...Forget it....I'm sticking to shitting in the tub. O.K. so I only did it once.....and I didn't have to tell you....plus I can always say I was kidding if you ask me.....and you could never prove it........well not unless your goddamned Colombo or Perry Mason or Judge Judy."
O.K. My friend is thinking about giving me a job today.....which I will definetly have to reconsider after reading this...but anyways I have to get going....Have a nice day...but do try it....at least once.....Toad
Farting Frenchies
Had a fun little trip to Nelson last summer....selling ads for my friends buy
and sell rag "the Interior Trader". Pretty good at it too I don't
mind saying. Even managed to barter 3 tickets to the production of "Oliver"
that was showing that night. Now....who to give them too? Well...how about a
dip in the nipply waters of Kootenay Lake first.
There they were. Two dreadlocked,backpacking young travellers preparing dinner on one of the park tables. What a great guy I was...really.....giving tickets away to a couple that would not otherwise be able to enjoy such an extravaganza. Did I mention that they were females? uhhh....well they were....French too!......and,coincidentally, cute as the dickens.....well in a rastafarian kind of way.... with their accents and all. ......Maud and Maxine.......Well...what would you have done? Lanky loggers ........or French felines?.....I rest my case.
O.K.- so now we're at the theatre...but not before they'd shared some strange lookin' cigarette with me...all twisted and lumpy lookin'. Arriving 15 minutes later we deservingly were seated at the far back of the theatre....no matter...the show was way too much fun...Of course Oliver was played by a girl....this was Nelson,the queen city, after all. Bill Sykes,with a voice that out Tom Waits'd Tom Waits,was truly a terror.
Anyways after the show we went back to my beer-laden 'Bago and decided to drive out of town and pull over somewhere to camp......10 minutes later we pulled up at the legendary Blaylock Manor...where another motorhome (an inferior model) was already parked.....and with the amazingly beautiful Kootenay Lake glistening under the full moon...this was us.
A belly full of beers,an hour or so of jamming(they'd brought their hand drums of course) and we were ready for a little skinny dip'll do ya. Call me a horndog if you must but there is something about beautiful naked women gliding effortlessly thru tranquil waters that really gets me going ......Nothing like 50 degree water to make a man look reaaaally manly......nevertheless romance was in the air...and it was back to Wilbur(the aforementioned Winnebago) for???....
Sleeping arrangements. I wondered if they'd go for the old "Lets sleep under the stars on the roof" suggestion......Oui! Oui! We have a bingo! So there we were, the three of us,(four if you count Wilbur....which I do),schnuggled in the penthouse suite of Hotel Wilbur gazing wonderously up at the stars, down to the lake,and of course....over to Lord Blaylocks Manor....does it get any better than this???? ....Not unless elk steaks and moose sausage drop from the heavens. Suddenly I became aware that a tent was beginning to form where once there was a sleeping bag......a pup tent to be truthful....but a tent nonetheless. I was watching in amazement at this strange phenomenon when I heard a low rumbling sound .... and felt what seemed like a small tremor vibrating thru Wilbur's rain-rotted roof....What the ??? No it couldn't be!!!! My now bloodless brain quickly assumed the obvious............some sneaky freeloading Mexican cucarache had stowed away on Wilburs last southerly voyage and the little bugger had somehow managed to hook up a couple of my music effects pedals ......attempting to send a telegram to Tiajuana inviteing more of his creepy little eight legged amigos to come and join him in balmy Canada at Casa Toad..........Then my razor sharp common sense kicked in. How could this passportless little insect get past those strip searchin' guards at the American border??? Impossible! What then???? Suddenly my worst fears were realized!!!! My eyes began to water and I began to choke....the smell could have gagged a maggot! I HAD ME A FARTIN' BETTY ON BOARD!!! A FLUFF MONSTER!!! A MADAMOISELLE DE POO POO!! SACRE BLEU ONE!!!!!.
Now I'm no stranger to a flatulant....having spent the better part of my life criss-crossing the country with 6 stinky musicians.......our innards convulsing with beef jerky,chips,chocolate bars,pizza and liberal amounts of gaseous hops and pops......butt!!! As a qualified fartologist I'm here to tell you that one (or both) of my little French sweeties had unleashed what we in the business call a perfect 10!!!
Maud immediately took credit....my petite French Fluffer could not have been more pleased with the effect that her offering had created.............Then lovely Maxine chimed in..."She eez famous for zem!" More laughing.......from them......... Ah....what the heck.....I tried to be philosophical about it.............After all.........Women must surely pass gas...although until now I had no positive proof. Why should men be the only ones to delight in this cheap form of entertainment? Admittedly, had I been able to conjure up anything half as pungent I surely would have been proud as a two-peckered horny toad. So it was with broader horizons that I finally drifted off to sleep.
I awoke to a toot........... from a passing logging truck... and truckers...who chuckled heartily at the strange sight atop Wilbur as they whizzed by with their morning coffees. We raised anchor....breakfast in Nelson.....a couple of stops to swim on the way and l'amour was once again in the air....... By the time we arrived at my humble abode(sure its a chicken coop...but a nice one as far as coops go!) in Fruitvale, I'd just about forgotten the "Blaylock Blast"...................
Mexican night tonight! Ondale!...Arriba!...Tequila takes us away...singing,jamming,laughter and then..............OH MY GOD!!! WHO DID THAT!!!! ..."I told you!" giggled Maxine,"She eez famous for zem!!"....Then again....and again...I could feel the ghosts of chickens past convulsing! Now I don't know about you...Call me unreasonable if you must...But when somebody grosses me out of my own chicken coop....they gotta go!! So it was then that the decision was made to bid adieu to my farting frenchies.
Damsels,packsacks,dreadlocks.... and the whole stinking lot....loaded back into Wilbur and brought to the nearest hitching spot....where they could inflict their wares on the next unsuspecting victim!!. Yes....there were blubbering protests........but frankly my dear..... I didn't give a damn...those farting Frenchies were GONE WITH THEIR WIND!!.
Toad's Spring Fling
TOAD'S SPRING.......made the big jump from Vancouver to Fruitvale
(where the men are men...and so are half of the women).....thundered out of
Van at 10:30 a.m. aboard the Purple Screamer(Honda V65 Magna....1100 c.c.'s
of curve-takin,straight-a-way speed record breakin' cruise machine)averaging
a sprightly 83 m.p.h. until........pulled aside by the nicest policeman I've
ever met....."Good afternoon! You probably aren't aware of this but the
speed limit along this road is 90 kilometres an hour. I'm just going to give
you a warning...." he writes up the ticket and returns "So how has
your ride been today?" me...."a little chilly officer sir"...Oh
I think you'll find some blue sky up ahead....I just came from there and I had
my air conditioner on! Have a good day"..................... Was this a
dream?......Did one of the bees that zinged me in the forehead at 90 m.p.h.
inject me with some mind-altering sting juice?.....I bid him adieu....and resumed
my dance with the devil....Princeton,Hedley,Keremos,Osoyoos,Bridesville, Rock
Creek,Midway,Greenwood,.....rat racing with two dudes slung low in their 83
Dodge reliant.......until they finally relented to the awesomeness of the unshakeable
Purple Demon that had haunted them in their rear view mirror for 20 terrifying
miles.....and we (The demon and I) blew past them at an eye-watering 95 m.p.h.
and left them like a bad memory... reeling in exhaust fumes.
It was just outside of Grand Forks when I saw her....Her brass nose ring gleaming like a divine light. Her thumb pointing skyward....hippie skirt blowing freely with her wind. We came to a screeching halt. Without hesitation she accepted a ride aboard the Purple Rocket.....destination......yes....Nelson! Did I mention that I had my guitar,keyboard,suitcase,and saddle-bags lashed to the side of my steaming purple pavement-eating motorcycle already? Perhaps not....Nothing that some quick thinking and a couple of bungee cords couldn't fix...5 minutes later....she ...riding side saddle with her magic bag...sporting an adventurous smile ....couldn't possibly have known what lay ahead......for starters.....the bike fell over...she sprawled on the roadway...gas pouring out of the Purple....(fill in with your own adjective and noun)...signal light broken.....no worries....The two of us eventually righted her......and unfazed we tried a second.....this time successful take-off. She asked why I was bundled up so warmly on this balmy afternoon...Twenty minutes later she would find out as we started the ascent from Christina Lake ......soon snow surrounded both sides of us .....my shivering but game companion showed few signs of complaint....though the hair on her legs and armpits...and slight mustache...had become encrusted with a thin layer of frost. As we rose higher and higher....our faces reddened with impending frost-bite...our wind blown eye-balls colder and harder than Lac la biche... and of course.....double barrel snot-guns.....or snot-cicles if you will. Still we soldiered on till we finally reached Nancy Green (Greenie?)Lake. A brief stop where we did the mukluk shuffle a sort of arctic samba...popular with the eskimos....My companion...though now blue.....claimed she hadn't had as much fun since she road a pack mule over the Andes.....she was genuinely elated with our ridiculous adventure and I looked at her with renewed admiration....................had I found a companion for those cold winter nights hunkered down in Wilbur? We descended into balmy Castlegar where she disembarked and told me cheerily "They call me adventure girl at the Christian fellowship center in Nelson! Drop in and say hello sometime....I'm hitching to Newfoundland with my girlfriend next month"................."Whats there I asked"...."Probably nothing she laughed" and sashayed off into the late afternoon.
O.K...what else......Did I mention my mom died? Well she did .....last week....wasn't pretty. But she's somewhere better now. Also my friend Rick sister Bev cashed in her chips.....funerals next weekend......Rick's wife Deb is having a baby today...so that's nice....... If you haven't checked it out.....you should come to Fruitvale sometime....theres not much happening here. ......Toad
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My friend Randy,a fellow brother of the burrito, was planning a trip south to Mexico, and thoughtfully asked me if I'd like to join him....Of course I would..... but there were a couple of factors.......I had no money....and I wasn't used to travelling for long periods with another person.....eeeek!...... Randy as is his generous way offered to removed the money obstacle.....showed up with the coolest looking motor home going....which we dubbed the"Baja Chihuahua"....and pretty much made it impossible for me to say no.....and so I didn't...remember the flow?....Our friends were betting how many hours we'd last together.......Well we surprised them and ourselves by co-existing for the most part in harmony and humour for three weeks!....down thru Washington....cut over to the coast and Florence Oregon....where we rumbled up to the Florence Elks Lodge R.V. Park...it doesn't get better....we were going in for silver tips(some call 'em gray hairs)......on Halloween night....dressed impeccably as Dracula and Satin(pics to follow)...Randy,a master make up artist,came equiped with costumes......we stole the show and as the dashing young bucks (comparitively)had more than one bufonted silver tip upside the boat.....but it was catch and release....we all seemed to enjoy each others company and they awarded "the Canadians"a tie for first prize...All in all it was too much fun....the next morning we went out to the sand dunes...stripped naked....and took a plunge in the icy lake......bordered by sand dunes.... by the ocean(on the fly on the bump on the log in the bottom of the sea).....cruised thru the Redwoods stopping briefly to have a short commune with mother nature(much to short for me but..)pictures and video......aaah......have to to return to sleep there......at least for a night.....Next stop .....a tiny village up in the mountains south of San Francisco where one of Randy's computer buddys lives in paradise with his wife and two kids....and it was..Halloween again!!!!.....Monday the 31st...yippee!!!!!...get to dress as the devil again:)......Went out with his wife and kids to an extra fun party at this hall where they had all sorts of games and a haunted house....the next morning we went for a hike with a local who gave us an amazing experience....thru the redwoods up to the top of a mountain where we could see the ocean in the distance.....amazing pictures...which I immediately accidentally erased .....:(.....next day we went to visit Randy's aunt....can you say swimming pools....movie stars....lifestyles of the rich and famous....probably the nicest house I've ever been in. Flora.......80 years old....still rules the roost....! There is a whole story here but....I digress....Onwards to Ojai California....where we surprised my friend Stuart ....on his wedding day!!! It was simply the most perfectly stupendous wedding ever....I could not begin to describe how perfect it was.....but....40 acre botanical gardens...high in the mountains.....hundreds of exotic birds....waterfalls....deer.....incredible food...beautiful women....holding hands...native danceing and chanting at midnight....guitars by the fire later.....I slept under the full moon surrounded by a structure that resembled Stonehenge...well kind of.....it was dark....Our gift to them was to film the wedding.....and over the next few days we took video of the amazing gardens and Randy did an awesome job putting it all together....they were and are eternally grateful ...neither of there parents could attend.....and were thrilled to have it on video......yeaaa us.......mostly Randy but:) On to San Diego ...camped on a quiet street over looking Mission Bay...in the morning we did a 3 hour roller blade around Pacific Beach and the bay......waaay to beautiful....then it was onward to Tucson to visit the amazing Harvey. While in Tucson we were only too happy to exchange our Canadian currency travellers cheques for American currency at just about every Circle K.......Fraud?? I suppose.....but it was all too much fun and decided on a "live for today let the karma cops catch us tomorrow" attitude....After a couple of days in Tucson Randy and I had the "truth serum out" and decided it was time to part ways....he to carry on to Texas...and then south to Cancun....me to?? ....I'll admit was a little more than a little anxiety as I watched my travel amigo's,the Baja Chihuahua and Randy,trundel off into to the Tucsonian morning...Flora(the pig that we'd one as first prize in the costume contest)seemed to flop one of her ears downwards.........
Tucson......Harvey returned home from work...I informed him that he might be
stuck with me for a day or two.....as my travel amigo had moved on...he said
"Well you can't go anywhere before the weekend anyways...because I'm cookin'
a brisket!"...Yeehaaaaw!! A Brisket!.......Now from what I understand...the
brisket isn't the choicest cut of meat.....but with a little tender love and
care it'll jump(literally?)right up there with the best....later that afternoon
I was out bladeing when the words hit me like a meat tenderizer..
"Won't need no Tux on in Tucson.......We won't be eatin' poupon
jeans and a t-shirt'll be all right........
In case you mighta missed it..........Harvey's cookin' a brisket....
No Tux on in Tucson tonight"
So I had the brisket going for me....which was nice............and 200 bucks...still...it was a long way to the tropics.....and being a no dough mo fo in Mexico isn't all its cracked up to be..but....things were picking up......that night a couple of Harveys friends...Chuck and Lupe came over for dinner.....Chuck said that they were moving to Mexico and really wished that they could find someone to drive their V.W."Thing" down to a place called "San Blas".........uhhhhh pardon.....You don't mean "San Blas....the place that has kept popping in conversation over the past few years.....the place I've been drawn too".........We have a Bingo!....
The only problem was that he didn't want to leave for a week.....So that meant I would have to stay and sample more of Harveys all meat diet.....well not all meat.....meat and beer......... cerveza and carne not so asada.....and could my liver take 6 to 9 of Milwaukee's Best nightly?......I would bite the bullet...once again. Besides Harvey insisted....and Chewy was growing way to fond of our morning burns around the neighbourhood. The brisket was everything Harvey had said it would be......but first there were Turkey Burgers....Linguine with Spicy Chicken Sauce....T-Bones....Chopped Pork Peppers....Turkey and Beef Lasagne...Chorizo sausage for breakfast....Garlic Prawns...Chicken and Rice.....Pork Chops....Pepper stuffed beef loin Steak....Yolanda's taco's....tomale's...chicken burrito's...enchilada's...and the after came the big capper....Thanksgiving at Uncle Eddy's.......Harvey ablaze in his black shirt with hot rod orange flames screaming off the sides...hot tub at sunset...by this time Yolanda was really on poor Harv's case ....and growing less fond of his Canadian friend with the blossoming meat gut...yes it appears Harvey was having just a bit too much fun with his new Canadian amigo....and she aimed to put a damper on it.......Both guns a blazin'...even as he did all the cookin'.....but as hard as she was on poor old Harvey......like a true professional he just let it slide.....like water off a ducks pecker. Reminded me of my ol' bro Nipper.....professionals....
The Blues
Harv was giving me a heapin' helping of his favourite music... ."The Blues"... I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hate the blues......thats right....hate it!...O.K.....not really.....but its not in my top 20 styles of music.......Harv was describing the finer subtleties of each song....which was like telling a vegetarian about your favourite cut of meat.....It's not that I don't like the lyrics for each verse being repeated twice....(which I think is a good Idea because the blues is accompanyed by a fair bit of beer drinkin'....so its nice to have the extra run around to catch the lyrics...).....or the monotonous format that hasn't changed in a couple of hundred years.....I love all that....Its just that the Blues gives me the Blues.
There was one more big excursion before lift off day......"Sprint car races in Phoenix this weekend......ever seen 'em" Harv inquired. No....but if it means cars flyin' around a track and a bunch of rednecks you can count me in.....remember..I'm from Fruitvale....where the men are men and so are half of the women....Harvey is a mechanic.....a really good one....and he lives for Sprint Car.....has the t-shirt with "the gassman" on the front.....in fact on Thanksgiving at Uncle Eddy's, Harvey...with that flashy shirt....decked out like a custom street rod ...........stole the show ......had Yolanda right at the breaking point....it was beautiful.....again reminded me of my older bro' Nipper in top form. So sprint cars Saturday in Phoenix....but first.......Harvey pulls into his favourite liquor store in Tucson for some "travellers"..Now this store is run by a couple of mischevious East Indian brothers who seem to have the whole neighbourhood in love with them. So the scene is...myself, Harvey in the customary road fatiques....game face.....Abu and his brother...putting in the good word for us.....and as our good fortune would have it.......a lovely black lady....Angie...mid 30's.....We throw our hat in the ring and the next thing you know we've talked her in to joining us in Phoenix for Sprint Cars!! Followed her to her house...she parked her car and got out telling us that she'd changed her mind....heeehhhh.....not so fast...quicker than "the Gasman's" Sprint car...we changed it right back for her!....and she jumped in the big Lincoln with us....We had to pick up one of Harvey's racing buddys.....who turned out to be a real bastard.....so he fit right in with us...By this time(3 pm.) Harvey was three sheets to the wind so I took over the driving dutys while he mauled another 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best and entertained Angie on the two hour drive to Phoenix.
The races were amazing...Have you seen those little cars on t.v. that have the wings on top?....While these were those....except these ones didn't have the wings on top...they were flying around that dirt track at 90 miles an hour .....making lots of noise and kicking up lots of dirt....we were cuddled under a blanket....eating ribs and drinking frothy beer....In case you were wondering.....no it doesn't get better. Afterwards we went down to the pits were the Kiwi was still sulking after been scolded for being the obnoxious little prick that he was. He was a little nicer now. Harvey had asked Angie if she minded if he called her a nigress......eeeek!....We jumped back in the Lincoln I threw the Kiwi bastard the keys........Harvey took the suicide seat....and almost immediately passed out...fortunately....as he hadn't been a pretty sight at the races....Angie and I got a little schnoogly in the back.....well o.k.....more than a little schnoogly.....Do you really want to hear about it?.......I know you do......It was all sweet and lovely.....at some point we were having the full on sexorama in the back seat with the radio cranked and the Kiwi bastard and Harv oblivious to our shenanigans......then Angie,in a post coital bone coma, looked up at me and exclaimed in her thick southern accent............." I smell pussy!"..........and we both broke out laughing as the Kiwi bastard at that exact moment rolled down his window:)
The next day (with visions of the lovely Angie cavorting thru my cerebelum) I was off with Chuck and Lupe.....and 200 dollars....to Mexico...and the great wide open....With Chuck and his dog in his old V.W. van...and Lupe and I in "the V.W.Thing" we were away and laughing. A smooth cruise .....1200 miles south......We took a hotel the first night...slept for 4 hours...with Chuck insisted on leaving at 4 a.m.....in the dark....cows and horses on the road.....semi-trailers..and lots of fog.....waaaaaay to dangerous........remind me to smack him one day for that......but then a few hours with the sun up it was forgotten as we were in full cruise mode....Mexico....the top down....beautiful people...a couple of Tecate's and life was once again marvelous. Barely avoided getting takin' out about 5 miles from San Blas.....Not one but two trucks passing a semi-around a blind corner......eeeeeeek....scrrrrreeeeech......oh my god....millimeters......and thats how close we all are ......at all times...but the gods smiled......The road down into San Blas is amazing...We are in the tropics now....Palms everywhere..Banana trees.....Papaya....Mango's.... Pineapples....Coconuts....and...... rivers......birds.....over 400 species...lagoons....we wind down thru the mountains at sunset....then cross the bridge over the river...under an archway....and San Blas!!! The town square......and the first thing that you notice is the sound from the birds......thousands of them.....in the trees that line the Zolcalo....the second thing that you notice is that everyone is on bicycle....there are few cars....already you know that you've come to somewhere very special ........Heaven perhaps....I know that if I had to leave the next day it had already been worthwhile. As it happens ....I don"t. I take a hotel the first night in and am happy to be on my own once again....
Chuck and Lupe hunt me down the next day and ask me to come and check out this house on the beach that may be avaliable...It is....and it is also amazing....Chuck takes it for $175 / month. He and Lupe had found there paradise.........hooked up with the local musicians the first day in town....played "Love potion #9" to about 200 bewildered Mexicans Sunday night in the square.....Pedro,one of the local musicians,invited me to meet his family who own the Walla Walla Restaurant. We became great friends and I ended up playing music at his restaurant most nights and helped serve when he was busy. In return his mom made me the best spaghetti dinners ever......and fish dinners.....and breakfast:) yeaaaah them!
That week I spent cleaning...ripping out the kitchen and preparing to paint Chuck and Lupe's shangri la....all the while Chuck was drinking from 9 a.m. until he passed out .....which was usually around 9 p.m. This self destructive behaviour continued until one night at about 2 a.m. I heard a horrific scream....I ran thru the dark to the stairwell where I found Chuck unconcious....head squished against the cement wall.....his feet tucked under him.....and a healthy pool of piss all around him....I was sure he was dead....I mean he fell down about 20 very steep cement stairs into a cement wall......He must have broken his neck and probably legs and arms too........Lupe rushed down and helped me carry him to a couch in the living room where he eventually came too...he remained for the night in his piss soaked pants..... the rubber man had survived.....unbelievably....no broken bones....though he was mighty stiff....crankier than usual and ungrateful....I was getting a little tired of Chucks nasty racist jokes....as well as the"you dumb Canadian variety" It was time for me to move on.....so I did......a Mexican lady overheard me asking if there was a place to stay and she offered me an excellent concrete bungalo for 100 dollars per month/ shower/fan/double bed........this is how the days generally went....up at 8...run down the beach and back....shower ...breakfast......reading/guitar/writing.....bodysurfing and swimming at about 3-5 pm. ....shower....walk into town....about a mile....check out the birds...buy a little back of freshly roasted pumpkin seeds from the old lady at the town center....ice cream.....the most scrumptious hamburgers in the world...and watch and learn from the people of San Blas....back home about 9....read...sleep around 10....and dreams.....
We all participated in the second annual "Day of the musician"that is organized by Pedro's father....There were about 600 people in the square for this excellent event...Pedro came up to me in quite a panic( as they hadn't organized a schedule)....I was just planning on watching but..."David go play...now!".....hee hee....so I did and it seemed to kick things off nicely....lots of local talent....next year should be even better...hoping to get"Willie and Lobo" to come and play.......Went fishing a couple of times....once with Jim from Alaska who supplied all of the fishing gear.....we caught 13 Sierra and then on the way inthen on the ....and had a 12 foot Hammerhead and a 20 foot whaleshark come right beside our 18 foot boat.....eeeek! Pedro our captain charged us only 25 dollars for 5 hours! Yes his panga had a good flow of water coming thru the hole in the side......but with steady bailing it was as he had told us....not a problem.....
One day as I was doing my morning run there was this amazingly beautiful young(23) girl sitting next to her all terrain vehicle..........Of course I stopped for a chat....she spoke flawless English having gone to school for 5 years in New Orleans....... As we spoke her mother came jogging up the beach(fine form for 50!) and after a breezy conversation she asked if I would join her and her daughter for dinner.......I was later to find out that her family owns the sugar refinery in Tepic and are supposedly the wealthiest family in Nayarit(state)....She came to the Walla Walla with three of her "friends"....personal maids as it turned out...one whom had been with her since she was born....We all went out for a couple of Margaritas.....she picked up the tab and we were off to dinner at "the compound" .......which was a walled in paradise on the beach that was the talk of the town....none of the locals and noone that I knew had ever been inside.....Pedro was shaking his head "how did you do that David?"
Ohhhh my god!.....can't really describe it...tennis courts/swimming pools/5 huge houses/boats/cars. Lucinda(the daughter)and I went for a swim in the olympic sized pool and watched the sun set in the ocean. Her mom gave us a call that dinner was ready.....So there was old Toad with the lovely Lucinda and her beautiful mother......three maids-a-serving....and the most amazing food(next to Harvey's)that I'd ever had....Lobster,soups,wine,candles etc. I was and am truly blessed. Lucinda insisted that I go fishing with her the next day......I politely refused and later explained to her that I didn't really have enough dough to be renting a boat (which usually costs around $150.00)...."Ohh don't worry about that....we have our own personal guide that's been taking me since I was three"....oh...o.k. She the next day she donned her skimpy bikini and spread herself out over the front of the boat as the captain and I exchanged a smile.....then we were off like the brides nighty...20 miles out to sea......we saw a few whales and caught three nice Dorado(about 15 pounds each).....a glorious day.....Our guide had all the gear and basically set the rods for us...She just crashed out .....saying later"...I just wait until I hear the line go zing!...that is my kind of fishing!" I was invited again for dinner....lobster of course....Her mother insisted I go upstairs and try first her daughters bed out to see how comfy it was.....After an afternoon of watching her daughter frolicing on the bow of the boat in her bikini......did I really need this??...."Now try my bed" As her daughter was leaving the next day to Mexico City and her boyfriend....I had the feeling that mother dearest had plans for me......divorcee she was.....I was getting the feeling that she was up to something that might interfere with my long standing rule of celebacy........She insisted that I come to Mexico City....stay with them....ride their horses....She showed me pics of their trip the previous year....where they had taken ten of Lucinda's friends to New Zealand to go bungee jumping for her birthday!
Well I don't know about you....but this story is really starting to put me to sleep!.....
It's quite amazing how it works...jamming with nature....on the trapese of life without a net....well I suppose there is one....but I haven't had to use it lately...no need to....it just opens up....all intuition......following the signs........going with the flow keeps getting better and better..........must have been the guy who picked me up hitchhikin.."Come on....hurry up...." yelling over the noisy freeway traffic outside of Phoenix... I get in.."Now I don't know who you are...but Jesus told me to pick you up......we're gonna say a prayer"...(as we drive on) he yells"Repeat after me...I...What's yer name?"...and so there we were flying thru the traffic sending a red hot message to the big guy.....I was giggling to myself...but wasn't taking any chances cause it just keeps working out.....Arrived at L.A. greyhound terminal at 4:30 a.m......with one dollar.......eeeeeeek! So I sold a few c.d.'s for 2 dollars a piece and managed to make the Ventura bus with one minute to spare........Stashed my bags on stage at the Legion and went for a little walk about on a beautiful afternoon.......Returned to find a Polynesian wedding in full swing and no way to retrieve my bags.......so I accidentally on purpose snuck in and couldn't help but notice a very amazing looking smorgasborg of the most fantastic polynesian food ever created........so....I got in line.......well what would you do if you hadn't eaten in a couple of days?????Meanwhile there was this three hundred and 50 pound Tongan songstress and 12 piece ukelele band...........and the host...Bill (who was throwing the party for his wifes birthday)in his Hawaiin shirt......"Hi Bill ....my names David"...."Hi David ....I hope your hungry....."....and you know I was so it was just about perfect....plus the fact that I knew the words to "ukelele lady""....and "the Hukalau......After lunch I went for a walk but when I returned the band was still playing .......then one of the guys at the door invited me in......so now I have a legitimate invite......and was feeling a little guilty so I confessed to Bill that I had crashed his party......Gave his wife a couple of c.d.'s and Bill gave me a doggie bag for the road.........People are soooooooooo nice....I'll tell you about the rest of the trip later......... If you haven't tried riding the wave lately....do:)
...skip back to the pre ramble
this is actually the beginning...but...There
I was happily working for a friends crane company...and winter creeping up...
Das Viener Holder/Strawberry inWoodbury
(just another day)
9:30 a.m. I arrive at "das weiner holders".....(thus
dubbed as she had this odd fondness of holding my wiener when I peed. There
I would be.........all set to have my private moment and she'd run around the
corner "Oh! Can I hold it"(ya I guess.....if you can find it)......She
answering the door in her sexy little undies....while speaking on long distance
with her boyfriend....who was spending the summer .....away....I kissing her
amazing little butt as she tried to push me away and mute any groans.....She
hangs up and says..."I guess I'm going straight to hell aren't I"....Catholic
girls!!! ....It seems my little Frauline has a bit of a dilema....Her boyfriend
wants to marry her eventually.....and well....she seems to be a little confused.......He
writes her these amazing letters......."Oh sweetness....the days linger
as I sit alone....longing for your gentle touch.....longing to feel the perfectness
of your being......" etc. etc.........
The truth is I really quite loved the girl..................but she was getting ready to go in to baby land and I suspect that she couldn't envision building a nest in the Winnebago. Sad really.
Anyways she wanted to have sex in the morning....but I told her the laws of infidelity......yes its true that you are legally single if your love is more than 500 miles away......BUT!!....you must not have sex with another on the same day that you reunite with your loved one........I think that is a good rule....don't you?? We went for breakfast.....she left in a stream of tears.....touching really....then It was off on the death machine to Balfour to play golf....It was waaaaaaay too funny..This guy is getting married on the 4th hole ....when we approached....half in the bag(shitfaced silly!)....and made all these gestures like we were pissed off......and waved to the 100 or so people to please move off so that we could play thru....you had to be there of course....Took a ferry to Crawford Bay and back in the pouring rain .....just so that I could continue my conversation with this lovely little hippie girl......who recited me some of her poetry.....well worth it.....(an hour and 40 minutes return).....then drove thru the pouring rain to Ainsworth hotsprings.....Saturday night...packed....the caves...amazing....last one in the pool....did two lengths under water......uhhhhh thank you very much.......Then driving thru the wet snow and dark and cold (yes...still on a motorcycle)....pitch black.....heh what's that up on the road.....ahead?.................what the fu..........a beautiful girl HITCH HIKING IN A MICRO FUCKING MINI-SKIRT!!!!!........ I AM NOT BULL-SHITTING YOU.....!!!!!!!!!! It wouldn't happen again in a 1000 lifetimes.........but there she was....I actually drove by at first.....thinking it was a mirage.....then when I came to my senses....I doubled back....."If you have balls enough to get on the back of this machine your welcome to hop on" says I.......She says...."I'm fucking freezing.....I just quit my job(I could see the glow of a neon sign.."Pub"....thru the fog)........I parked the bike ....took off my rain gear....and in a chivalrous move worthy of the great Robin Hood......bundeled her up...and fitted her with my full face helmet.......donning the tiny skull cap(brain bucket) for myself......surely I will be rewarded .....She jumped on and we were off..... her gargantuan breasts warming my back......like mama's once did ......30 minutes later.....we arrived in Kaslo......she her body soaked and shivering................me........soaked to the boner......but elated at completeing our quest...She gave me one final flash as she removed the rain gear......her tiny skirt stuck well above her waist.....her body soaked and shivering......She thanked me .....saying her name was Strawberry........She said she was tired of working for 7 bucks an hour so ...she was going to trim shake(marijuana) and make a thousand bucks in a few days ......Remember...if your not cheating....your only cheating yourself.....
Life in Beaver Valley
I suppose it was the name "Beaver Valley"that originally drew me to the area.....one of the reasons fer sure....o.k......the main one. Imagine being able to stick your chest out with pride and scream out "My name's Toad and I come from Beaver Valley".....I mean packin' those credentials the world should pretty much be a guys oyster wouldn't ya think? The orange would just about peel itself! Ya'd think......
Surely you'd have a leg up on the poor schmuck from....shall we say......Vegreville! (Though admittedly that's an awfully nice giant egg they have up there. I know I get pretty excited about jumping in the back of the old pick up for the short 18 hour jaunt to the base of "The Egg" where I can stare up in wonderment and say."Thats a really big egg".....but that's just me. Orrrrrrr....what about Lloydminster...Who the hell's Lloyd....I mean really...."Heh Lloyd!...pass me a 5/16th's"...."Lloyd can I bum a smoke?"...."Heh Lloyd...what's the word!".....Maybe its just me but I don't get a vision of Lloyd breaking trail side by with Dr. Livingstone...I don't know...I guess he could be a porter but.....so while "Beaver Valley didn't roll of your tongue like say "Walla Walla Washington"..(what does?)..or.. Saskatoon Saskatchewan,..it still had a certain mystic somewhere in its name that conjures up all sorts of images.... know what I'm sayin'...
My original goal in life was to own a burger stand in Beaver Valley...call it Bubba's Burgers...(Y'ALL STOP IN AT BUBBA'S BURGERS...TELL 'EM BUBBA SENT CHA!)...and give away free beer....well almost....my slogan was to be...(to create the full power behind it you must say it with a New York gangster/Elmer Fud accent)..check it out.."BUBBA'S BOIGAH'S---ONE FWEE BEEAH..WIT EVWEE BOIGAH BOUGHT"!!...catchy huh? Much more so than a measly "bubba's burgers...one free beer with every burger bought."I'm sure some speech impediment activist groups would have been up in arms ...but heh....there's no such thing as bad publicity right?
Anyways somewhere along the rocky road my dream fell threw the cracks. Starting with the grim reality that: a)my name wasn't Bubba....and b)Toad's taco's didn't have the same ring.....but that's why I originally came here....Bubba's boigah's So I ended up being a wandering minstrel which isn't that bad cause I get to make up silly tunes...Heh..you wanna hear one! Well I do. Sing this one to a mid-slow westerny Roy Rodgersesque lilt. Here goes................ready?
BEAVER VALLEY
Well a cougar rode a deer....right near where you buy beer.....in Beaver Valley. Well he bit him on the ear....rode him like a steer ....in Beaver Valley. In Beaver Valley.....there's a dance hall right above the bowlin' alley...... that's where Tom met Sally.....at the bowlin alley in Beaver Valley. Well the gas station got robbed....once....by some dunce in Beaver Valley. He got caught....he got shot...but not a lot... in Beaver Valley. In Beaver Valley....where the men are men and so are half of the women. You'll find 'em swimmin....in Beaver Creek in Beaver Valley. Well the swimmin pool had a roof on it......once...In Beaver Valley But they forgot to shovel off the snow...and you know it can really snow......in Beaver Valley. That's why their swimmin' in Beaver Creek in Beaver Valley. Well there was a big shootout...they had to get this big galoot out.....of Beaver Valley.... Yes the bullets were really flyin'....one just missed a mountain lion....in Beaver Valley. In Beaver Valley there's a dance hall right above the bowlin' alley. That's where Tom met Sally at the bowlin' alley......in Beaver valley.
what am I forgettin?....nothin' in Beaver Valley
Well that's it....pretty silly heh? This place has real live wildmen living here...In fact my friend Gary took me to meet one last night....As we left the zoo(I forgot to mention there's a zoo in Beaver Valley....another great reason to be here!)on our way to meet a guy called Laurel Crow...someone shouted to us.....just remember.....the shotgun is by the door on the left when you get there. Oh....o.k.....thanks... At the end of a long dark road....no power....cougar skin hangin' from the cealing....lots of tatoos.....shotgun by the door....there was... a genuine wildman...and women!!...We had a nice visit....Of course the conversation naturally gravitated to fighting...we stood up and told our feeble stories while he sat back....Another of the local wildman's names came up....Even Our host admitted he was crazy......said the closest they'd ever come to fightin' was a head butting contest....when finally the other guy cheated and broke his hand over Laurel's head...which he reminded his buttin' partner was pretty stupid...then they sat down and finished there beers......Gary and I sat down......our host mosied over to this huge duck that had walked in for a look......and just about took his toe off trying to kick it out of the cabin......wonder what he's having for dinner tonight? got some new tunes for Leghold Trap(the band that should be banned)..."Crow's Toe".....and "That Fuckin' Duck" Thanks Laurel. Drop by the coop sometime. -Toad from Beaver Valley
FRUITVALE
Fruitvale was quite awesome....Did all the cool things....1)...Columbia River Trip---From Gyro to The Lions Head...a couple of beer and then a 4 hour float back down the river on the most beautiful of days....snow on the mountains....an icy dip off the boat...does it get better?..I think not. 2)----a motorcycle trip down to Evans with a gal friend (For added traction in case it snowed) a stop in Northport....then the North Gorge Campground...where I saw a BEAVER!! ...No shit....There was a big furry beaver swimming up the edge of the river...at the same time an eagle was swooping on a wounded duck but the duck kept ducking (always wondered how they got there name.....now the beaver...thats another story)...it was quite a sight.....Did I mention Coors?...then we took the big 1100cc purple screamer mountain climbing way up to the lime quarrys by Evans Lake. Went skinny swimming.....t'was amazing. Down to Barneys Junction....just cause you have too....a stop at the museum...where they showed us how beautiful the Kettle Falls were before we white guys fucked it up.....Kettle Falls...on to the Acorn restaurant at Colville for jalepeno poppers and chicken wings....which were ever so average....cruised back thru Onion Creek and Rossland. 3) later that evening of course came one of the big highlights of a trip to Trail.....
the AUTO-VUE DRIVE IN!!!! Where of course the highlight is at the intermission when....the bun pats the weiner and then.....THE WEINER JUMPS IN THE BUN!!! You really have to see it...Who needs sex after that . Does it get any better? Not where I come from 4)--the Colander....need I say more? "The Trail Tradition" --Recently voted into British Columbia's top 10 places to eat......ahead of Umberto's and such.. 5)---Silver City Days........more pasta....beer gardens...friends...hi,hi, hi,hi,hello,hi,hi,hi,hello,fuck you,hi,hi,hi,...I do think that there should be a law that forces the carnival operators to introduce some new rides...I mean how much of the salt and pepper shaker/gravatron/tilt-a-whirl can a guy take.... 6)...a meeting with Ken Georgetti.....Canada's new labour leader....Wow!!!...not bad for a kid from the Gulch. Way to go Kenny...You'd think we'd have a parade for him....or a dinner....but it is Trail. He was nice enough to remember me and asked if I could write a tune for the labour movement....Lets see....four stints at Cominco...7 months at an Open Pit mine....a bunch of kicks at the construction cat....moving companys....dish-washing....painting....green-chain...various labour jobs.....Yes! I can do that... 8)--the Coop...You really have to come and check the Coop someday....7' by 20' of pure awesomeness....the creek....the hummingbirds...wild mint tea....the view....the hillbillys...and of course THE BEAVER VALLEY!!! Pure magic. So that's how it was. --Toad
Agro Kings
Hi how are you?.....good?...good.
So I'm working on a movie script....It starts with the sound of a diesel motor...starting of course....(after all it is the start)..
First shot is an extreme close up of a greyhound bus ...cut to a surly large woman's face....dirty blonde hair....late thirtys....been rode hard and put up wet...She: "O.k....this is how it works..........theres no smoking!....no drinking alcoholic beverages!....and remove anything from the empty seat beside you so my people can sit down!.....you pay for one seat...you get one seat!...
Shot two: interior of a quiet darkened bus...diesel hummin'..camera pans to rear silhouette of our bus driver's rather large head and the open road. Camera zooms slowly to the front of the bus....back of her head then slowly around to the front of her face...her mind far away...camera retreats to the back of a bus........where a lone light switches on ......We see the side profile of a beautiful young girl. Afraid of the dark it seems.....
A male voice from the darkness:"Could you please tell me the time?"
She turns to face the camera"excuse me?"......
He:"The time....do you have the time please?"....
She"just after midnight"
He chats her up....she seems responsive...you never see his face...only hear his deep raspy voice... straining to whisper. As they warm up to each other the talk becomes less trivial...and more personal...he begins to tell her tales...and we cut to the tales in real time.
Different bus babes come and go thruout the two day journey....and the tale of his life is told....basically a dark comedy....a lot of humour(ice hockey,the band,travel...yes big time agro-a-go-go...failed romances...all the fun stuff.
Of course its an autobiography...I think all of us have one good movie in them....this is mine. Yes it will include the time I stuck my finger up my ass....poured some wine into a beautiful wine glass....lifted the glass with the offending finger delicately wrapped around it .....up and under our guitar players nose while saying "Scotty...does this wine smell a bit off to you" O.k. I only did it for a laugh.....its not like I got off on it or anything....o.k. maybe a little bit.....
In fact I better not tell you anymore or you might run off and make your own finger up the butt bus drivin' story tellin' movie....And then where would I be.....I'll tell you where....In some hooker infested downtown flophouse wading thru a bottle of J.D. with a heroine needle stuck in my balls....That wouldn't be so good would it?.....Well would it? ..At least for me....so don't copy it o.k. Gonna use a bunch of Leghold Trap,Millions of Brazilians,Big Daddio and maybe even dust off a couple of the old Idle Guyzers for the sound track....Fairly self-indulgent I realize but I don't want a needle stuck in my balls.! If anyone wants to get involved and give me large sums of dough...women...and/or beer...please do so...immediately if not sooner. I'm diein' ova hea. On another note: So Mexico was quite amazing as usual...I just luuuuuv those people...lots of those great big whaley things...a really great big swimming pool with fishees in it....and a cool yellow round thing in the sky that seemed to keep everybody nice and warm...
Hasta luego--the Baja Chihuahua a.k.a.- Tadpolio1@yahoo.com